The Zellbaca Chronicles

SPIDERS AND G-ASSHOLES

A tale for you...

So, last night, I went to bed and kept feeling paranoid crawlies on me. So, I turned on my lamp and a big ass spider flew out from behind my computer tower. Then another from under my desk, both darted under my nightstand/bed. I armed myself with a lovely white shoe as I waited for one to show itself. One did so and as I swung my mighty Hrunting Shoe, the arch of the goddamn thing landed on the spider, ergo it escaped unscathed from my first blow.

The spider began running more frantically, as another blow missed the little shit. It ended up under my bed. Needless to say, I was feeling really creepy. As another meandered out from under my bed and behind my desk, I decided I'd not be sleeping in here.

So, I got up today with the intent of cleaning the fuck out of my room, and I did so. I moved everything, vacuumed under it, and even wiped down the walls with Mr. Clean. Easy enough, right? Well, keep in mind MY HOUSE IS FUCKING TINY. There was nowhere to PUT half of this shit, so that was REALLY FUN. And the little vacuum Tony's mom bought him doesn't work or something. It would just get all the shit caught in the bristles then splooge all the dirt out if I turned it off or picked it up. SO, I used my little dust buster on the WHOLE room.

In a similar vein, while I was wiping down the walls, I spilled the fucking bucket of Mr. Clean all over the carpet, right where my computer needs to go. Awesome. I finished up the moving and vacuuming and such and put the fan on it while I went to go buy some spider traps.

At Fred Meyer, I first almost hit a shopping cart with my car because people are idiots. Inside, I foud the vermin-killing aisle. No spider traps. What the fuck?! HERE? No fucking spider traps?! Are you fucking KIDDING me? RAWR! So, I went to goddamn WinCo, got one, paid and was out in 3 minutes. I stopped at Maverick for some ghetto coffee, which actually wasn't too bad. And not $4 either.

Now, this is all fine and dandy. Usual shit that happens when cleaning blah blah. But today is special. They had to come to turn on the upstairs water heater again. When I got home this morning, I found a hangy thingmo on my doorknob from the gas company. It INFORMED me that my gas has been DISCONFUCKINGNECTED because my buttfucking water heater has some sort of “unsafe-ity” about it. FUCK YAR.

So, I called the dickface gas company, and the little douche on the phone just tells me it needs “fixed”. He has no idea. But he had plenty of time to update my personal information. Why do you need to know where I work, bitch? You gonna send me flowers or something to surprise me?

Anyway, I finished moving my stuff back the way it was, wet spot or no, and called ol’ Bohner Properties. The lady said they “red tagged” it because it’s in a bedroom, so they wouldn’t turn it on. Ellipses. First of all, it’s NOT in the bedroom, it’s in a room CONNECTED to the bedroom. It has its own door and everything. So, she tells me they’ll turn it on if we move the bed. Move... the bed? Out of the BEDROOM? And I was also advised to move a couch or something in here and then call it a “study room” or something. Holy shit balls, man... holy shit balls... how stupid can it get.

She said if I did it, they’d send the cockjockey back over here in the morning. Now, my bed is a big, heavy fucking, antique iron piece. It has to be dismantled to be moved. And it doesn’t dismantle easily. I eventually got it taken apart after almost breaking my light fixture and castrating myself on the damn thing, but it was easy enough. I slid the parts out into the kitchen and contemplated how I should move the couch alone.

I tipped the bitch on its side, and started to work it toward my room. It, of course, was just a little too big and had to be turned so the corner of the doorway was in the crux of the couch at all times. I decided at this point the while they weren’t too heavy, they did add some unneeded volume to the monstrosity, so I removed the cushions and flung them across my tiny living room. BULLSEYE, RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING FAN. It landed on the floor, BOUNCED, hit the fan, knocked the fan into the heater, bent the cage of it just enough to where the blade would hit it enough to make a magnificently metallic metronome.

Anyway, I got the couch through enough to where I could just pull it through the rest of the way, but WAIT... my doorway that’s literally FOUR FEET away is about an inch more narrow. So the couch will absolutely not fit through. So... I moved the cushions back out of the way, and put the couch back. I just ended up moving the little green chair in here. It faced similar problems with the doorway, but it’s light enough to actually pick up and carry, so I was able to maneuver it just fine.

So... I needed someplace to sleep. I put my bed back together in the living room. There’s nowhere to walk now, but fuck walking. Fuck it in the balls. Additionally, the bed left blue paint marks on the floor in the kitchen. I love it.

And here in an hour, I get to go make pizza for fat bastards. And it’s been rainy all day, so the idiots will think the sky is falling and want delivered Pee-zones for their final meal. Ah, trailer folk...