The Zellbaca Chronicles

TREE SPERM

Alright, it’s that time of year again. That’s right, allergy season. Supposedly, the beginning of the summer is when trees are pollinating, thus I have deduced that I am, indeed, allergic to tree pollen.

The thing about pollen is that it’s sperm. Yep. It’s analogous to fucking sperm. Only it flies through the air and into people’s goddamn noses. And for some people, our antibodies think this tree sperm is some infectious pathogen poised to destroy the human race from the inside out. This, my friends, is what we in the biz call an allergy. A completely BULLSHIT reaction to something that doesn’t do a BIT of harm.

The symptoms include sneezing, runny or itchy nasal passages, itchy or watering eyes, and wanting to kill hobos just to let them understand the torment one is undergoing. Remedies include horse tranquilizers and wiping one’s nose. Unless one goes to the doctor to get a fancy little prescription.

Compounding this anguish is the fact that I have nothing but napkins with which to wipe my nose. Yeah, it’s a little raw right now. Why is this the case? Because fucking TONY thinks he’s too cool to buy and/or steal toilet paper! STILL! He "bought" a package awhile back, but I actually bought it and was never reimbursed. And he does something really... weird.... with it. Every day I walk into the bathroom to find piles of wadded up toilet paper in and around the trash can and half the roll gone. My theory is that he packs the front of his pants with it before he goes to work then nonchalantly displays his faux package for all the waitresses to see.

But I digress.

I could buy some of those little pink pills to rid myself of the insanity. The side effect of said medication, however, is being knocked the fuck out for 6 hours. I’m lazy enough as it is... I don’t need chemical help. Although being able to fall asleep at a decent hour might not suck too horribly.

The moral of the story is this: trees ejaculate in your face and Tony is a toilet paper fiend.