The Zellbaca Chronicles

THE SEARCH

Fifteen hours a week at $6 per hour is not enough money. So, I begin anew the job search. But this time, I’ll keep the one I have now while I do it...

General JANITORIAL Approximately. 20 hrs weekly. Evenings & Saturdays. Must be Dependable & a hard worker. $7.00 hourly to start. Background Check Required

What the crap? Why does a janitor need a background check? Anyway, how would one even find a janitor that didn’t have a shaky background? People don’t aspire to be janitors when they’re little... they rob a convenient store or have sex with a barn animal and become janitors after getting out of the joint. Additionally, I’ll be applying tomorrow, I’m sure.

Healthcare AACO NURSING AGENCY *RN’s up to $45/hr. *LPN’s up to $39/hr. *CNA’s up to $22.50/hr. Free gas/weekly pay $2000 bonus

$45/hr?! Holy fuck! How do I become a registered nurse?! It’s probably like a two week course, right? Can’t be any trickier than that. Although... I don’t handle the expulsion of bodily fluids very well... maybe I’ll pass.

PROFESSIONAL ELEMENTARY PRINCIPAL NEEDED in the West Side School District.

Fuck. Yeah. I could totally be a principal. But I’d make no reference to the fact that synonym for “friend” is in the word “principal”. I’d drive home the point that it’s a homonym for another word. I would be the Principle Principal, and I’d rule with an iron fist. In fact, I’d commission the creation of an actual fist made from iron. Just for image.

Sales AVON Need extra money Start today

I could so sell fat bitches make-up...

General Driscoll potatoes, Inc. is now taking applications for General Labor. Fill out applications at: 120 Adams Street American Falls, ID.

Stereotype of the state for... the... win...

FIREWORKS STAND OPPERATOR Contractors needed.

Short, to the point, and misspelled. Just how I like my seasonal job prospect ads.

General $100 BONUS! Therapy Tech. No GED or exper. required. Apply in person at: 147 S. Arthur.

So... prostitution?

General DISPATCHER Days, Swings and Graveyard shifts available $8/hr. and up. PC experience required. Apply in person at: 220 E. Lewis

What the hell’s a dispatcher?

dispatch- kill intentionally and with premeditation; "The mafia boss ordered his enemies murdered" [syn: murder, slay, hit, bump off, polish off, remove]

SWEET! I’m all over that!

General GREAT independent job! Deliver local business paper to locations in Pctlo., Blkft., West Yellowstone, Jackson, Idaho Falls, Island Park, Rexburg. Do all or choose route. Req. own trans., maintain inventory.

Hmmm... actually, that doesn’t sound to bad. Fuck, I used to drive around just for fun. And I could be getting PAID for it? Awesome