The Zellbaca Chronicles

THE REASONS

The reasons I don’t venture outdoors until after dark follows. I apologize if I offend you, but I also don’t particularly give a damn.

The day started as grand as could be. After a good 3 hours of sleep, it was time for work. Work is stupid. Today, I needed to go to the bank to deposit my tax return, and they were bound and determined to keep there until the bank was closed. In fact, one guy even asked me to stay later for him. Um... that didn’t happen.

I arrived home after hitting the bank to what seemed to be the smell of mildew and cat ass. The mildew I understand. The cat ass not so much.

Anyway, I decided I’d try to wait around for Tony to come back to see if he’d care to join me on my adventures. But my patience grew thin, and his bullshittery ran thick.

First stop was Fred Meyer. Ahh, Fred Meyer. The hundreds upon hundreds of dollars I’ve spent at you over the years. Today, however, it was a fucking MAD HOUSE. I don’t know if it was just the nice weather or the fact that it was Saturday, but good lord. I had to restrain myself from punching people in the back of the head for being stupid.

I spied my prize behind a locked case. The FFXI expansion was there, to my surprise. I requested assistance in acquiring the product, but was swiftly blown the fuck off. I stood there for a good 10 minutes waiting for one of those assholes to come help me. They never came.

So, I journeyed to other establishments. Gamestop didn’t have it. ShopKo didn’t have it. Sam Goody didn’t have it. The game store next to Hollywood Video didn’t have it. Despite the taste of bile in my mouth when I thought about asking that stupid whore to help me get the game again, I returned. This time the bitch promptly opened the case and rang me up.

However, the true chaos of today was not in this endeavor. The actual blight with which I was faced was two things: fat girls wearing clothing fat girls shouldn’t wear and old people trying to use the self-checkout line.

Now, I’ve got nothing against fat girls! I’m sure they’re very lovely and fun and possibly even more intelligent than a grapefruit! Maybe. But WHY would a girl with back-boobies wear a halter top? WHY, I ASK YOU, WHY?! And, no bovine reference intended, do they travel in herds? There are waves upon waves of chubby teenagers pastel and flourescent way too damn tight clothing up and down the aisles of every retailer. And they feel the need to draw attention to themselves by being loud and rowdy. I think the fact they look like a brilliantly colored billboard succeeded in accomplishing that prior to their obnoxiousness.

Old people, however, I have plenty against. They’re old. They’re slow. But I guess they ARE fairly easy to beat up, so that’s a plus. I understand that they’re old and haven’t had all kinds of crazy electronics and such. But when the majority of the computer literate society can’t properly work the self-checkout, why do the oldies? Do they think it’s funny? Do they enjoy watching us wait while they write a mother fucking CHECK at the “EXPRESS SELF-CHECKOUT” line? Do they think it’s goddamn hilarious that they drive giant cars they can’t see out of? I believe they do indeed.

I’m reminded now why I sleep until 4:00pm every day.